Understanding and Managing Relationship Anxiety

Do you ever feel like your own thoughts are sabotaging the connection you cherish most? Whether you’re in the initial stages of a relationship or a long term one, relationship anxiety can wreak havoc on your mental health and the health of your relationship. Constantly stressing about how your partner feels about you can be exhausting and even sabotage your relationship if your partner grows tired of constantly needing to re-assure you. While it can be a significant issue, with an understanding of what relationship anxiety is and some tools to overcome it, you don’t have to let it ruin a perfectly good relationship. In this post I’ll talk about what relationship anxiety is, where it comes from, and some strategies on how to manage it. 

What is Relationship Anxiety?

So what exactly is relationship anxiety? It refers to the tendency to excessively fear or worry about the stability or quality of one’s relationship.  Like most psychological problems, relationship anxiety is on a spectrum. While not a formal diagnosis, it can range from mild to severe. On the more severe end, relationship anxiety can consume a significant amount of a person’s internal thoughts and can lead to a lot of unnecessary mental anguish.  If left unaddressed it can lead to problems hat could even end a perfectly good relationship. 

Some common signs of relationship anxiety are: 

• Fear of being abandoned or unloved
  • You might have worries that your partner will leave you if you “mess up,” or if you’ve had an argument.  The fear of being abandoned could also lead to monitoring your partner’s body language or tone to make sure they’re not upset with you.
• Overanalyzing every interaction with a partner.
  • If you tend to go over past conversations frequently or replay arguments repeatedly in your mind it may also be a sign of relationship anxiety. You might even overanalyze neutral conversations to look for “evidence” that your partner is upset with you. 
• Avoiding commitment or over-clinging to a partner.
  • People who struggle with relationship anxiety tend to want to cling to their partner for fear that they might be abandoned. Another way to cope with the anxiety is to avoid being in a relationship all together. You might avoid commitment to avoid the pain of potential heartbreak. 
• Frequent Arguments
  • Although arguments in relationships can be caused by several different things, it’s common that arguments are related to questioning a partner’s care. For example, someone with relationship anxiety may question their partner’s whereabouts frequently because they worry that he is losing interest in them.

Now lets look at what the potential origins of relationship anxiety are:

Common Causes of Relationship Anxiety

• Past experiences:
  • If you’ve have your heart broken in past relationships or you’ve dealt with infidelity, it makes sense that you would be more anxious that your future partners will hurt you. In this case the relationship anxiety makes a lot of sense. Our minds have a protective ability to try to avoid future harm, so if you’ve been emotionally harmed by past relationships why wouldn’t you worry that it would happen again?
• Dysfunctional Attachment styles:
  • Your attachment style is one of the biggest dictators of how you show up in your relationship and develops as a result of your interactions with your caregivers growing up. There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. I won’t go into detail about all the attachment styles here (it’s a huge topic) but just know that learning your attachment style is crucial to working your relationship anxiety. The book “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller is a great read if you’re looking to learn more about them. 
• Low self-esteem:
  • Another common cause of relationship anxiety is low self-esteem. If you don’t view yourself as lovable or worthy, it’s really hard to trust that other people will love you. Despite your partner’s reassurance that they do care about you if you have a negative belief about yourself, it will be hard to internalize your partner’s care for you. 

How to Overcome Relationship Anxiety 

• Self-awareness:
  • Probably the most important step in overcoming relationship anxiety is to develop the self-awareness to understand where the anxiety comes from. Once you recognize and accept that you may be struggling with this type of anxiety, it is much easier to take ownership of it and not allow it to take over your relationship. 
• Practice Curiosity
  • One of the ways that you can cultivate self-awareness is to practice curiosity around when you’re anxiety is triggered. When you have relationship anxiety it’s common to get lost in the story of  what your anxiety is telling you. When you aren’t asking yourself why you’re having doubts or fears about your relationship, you’re more likely to become overwhelmed by the anxiety. Next time you’re having anxiety in your relationship try pausing and asking yourself where these thoughts might be coming from. Make sure you’re asking in a non judgmental tone. There is a huge difference between a shaming or blaming “why” and a non judgmental “why.”
• Don’t communicate right away
  • It can be tempting to try to quell your anxiety by going to your partner right away to try to resolve the discomfort you’re feeling. While communication is an important part of a healthy relationship, timing is everything. If you’re coming to your partner in an anxious state you’re likely going to communicate in a way that increases the issue. When we’re anxious we tend to resort to defense mechanisms such as blaming or criticism which will only escalate the problem because it will probably lead to an argument. 

Taking some space first to practice self-soothing and figuring out whether what you’re feeling is relationship anxiety or something that is actually worth discussing will make a huge difference in the outcome of the conversation. Even if it is just your own anxiety, you can still communicate it with your partner, but the tone will be entirely different. For example, if you start a conversation with “Hey, I know this might be my own anxiety but I just wanted to check in with you about…” vs “Why did it take you so long to respond to my text?!” You’re going to get a much better response from your partner. 

Overcoming relationship anxiety takes time, self-awareness, and intentional effort, but it is possible with the right strategies and support. By recognizing anxious thought patterns, practicing curiotsity, and developing self-confidence, you can build a healthier, more secure relationship. If relationship anxiety is taking a toll on your mental health and the health of your relationship, seeking professional support can help you develop coping strategies and gain a deeper understanding of your emotions. Reach out  for a consultation here to see if therapy might benefit you.