The topic of forgiveness comes up a lot in therapy and seems to be pretty elusive for most people. Whether that be forgiving a partner for hurting you, forgiving a parent who neglected you when you were a child, forgiving yourself for a bad choice you made or for hurting someone you love, forgiveness is one of those aspirational but hard to do things in life. Self forgiveness can sometimes be the most complicated type of forgiveness. How do you forgive yourself when your dealing with the consequences of your actions daily. If you struggle with self-criticism then you know self forgiveness can feel nearly impossible. In this post I’ll talk about why self forgiveness is so hard, the importance of it and most importantly, how to forgive yourself.
Why is self forgiveness so hard?
The difficulty of self forgiveness depends on a few factors. For small things like forgetting to call someone or take out the trash when it’s trash day the next day, self forgiveness tends to be easier because you can acknowledge that the intention wasn’t to mess up and the gravity of forgetting isn’t that big of a deal. However, when it comes to bigger things like choosing the “wrong” career or romantic partner which can drastically change the trajectory of your life, it can be much more difficult. There might be situations were you betrayed or hurt someone you love which is another example of when it can be hard to forgive yourself.
When it comes to the bigger mistakes or regrets you have, self forgiveness can feel unattainable because you might be reminded of the mistake frequently. For example, let’s say you cheated on your partner and it resulted in the end of that relationship. Your heartbreak and loneliness in the aftermath of the end of that relationship is a reminder that you did something to cause those distressing feelings.
What if the person you’ve hurt is yourself? This can happen when you’ve done something that goes against your values or morals. Or maybe you have a strong inner critic that has a tendency to shame yourself for even the smallest mistakes. Self forgiveness can be difficult in this case because you “should’ve known better.” It can feel like continuing to punish yourself is how you can make amends with yourself. However, if you don’t learn how to forgive yourself it will probably lead to making more bad decisions. When you tell yourself you don’t deserve to be forgiven you’re basically teaching your subconscious that you’re a bad person. This can lead to self-sabotage where you continue the cycle of making choices that don’t align with who you truly are.
How To Forgive Yourself
Don’t try to tell yourself you’re a good person
This may seem like a counter-intuitive step in learning how to forgive yourself. However, letting go of the narrative of “I’m a good person” is the key to self-forgiveness. One of the realities of human nature is that we are all flawed. We are all capable of hurting the people we care about or not meeting expectations we have of ourselves. When you have a fixed idea of who you are as a person it can be difficult to forgive yourself because it challenges this rigid perspective. When you practice a flexible self-perception it gives you the space to make mistakes and in turn, make better choices next time. Of course, it can be a problem if you have a rigid negative belief about yourself so it’s not healthy to tell yourself you’re not a good person either. The idea here is to move towards a neutral self-perception rather than an all good or all bad one.
Focus On the Lessons Learned
One of the beautiful things about making mistakes is the lessons you can extract from them. There is so much room for learning about yourself when you forgive yourself for mistakes you’ve made. Try to tap into the lessons you’ve learned through making the mistake. Making big mistakes in life often lead to negative feelings which is why you’re hard on yourself about the mistake in the first place. But when you realize that it’s through those hardships that you learn to be resilient it changes the perspective of the thing even being a “mistake.”
Allow Self-Forgiveness to Come with Time
Similar to the process of grief, you can’t force self-forgiveness. If you are shaming yourself for your inability to forgive yourself, that’s only going to prevent you from moving past the mistake. It’s similar to the practice of self-compassion. You can’t bully yourself into being nicer to yourself. You can however, be curious about what is stopping you from achieving self forgiveness. You likely have a loud inner critic that needs some gentle encouragement that it doesn’t need to protect you from anything right now. This will allow some space for your true self to lead the way instead of your self-critic.
Self-forgiveness is a powerful act of healing that allows you to break free from the weight of past mistakes and embrace a more compassionate relationship with yourself. While it may be challenging, especially when guilt and self-judgment feel overwhelming, practicing self-compassion, reframing your thoughts, and taking meaningful steps toward growth can make the process easier. Remember, you are not defined by your past but by how you choose to move forward. By forgiving yourself, you create space for healing, personal growth, and a future built on self-acceptance and resilience.