Guilt and Shame: Understanding the Difference and How to Cope

If you struggle with depression or low self-esteem you probably are very familiar with the feelings of guilt and shame. Feeling like you’re letting people down or just not good enough can take a toll on your mental health and lead to all sorts of problems. In the sometimes toxically positive world we live in where the ultimate goal is happiness the experiences of guilt and shame are often ones we want to extinguish. Even the way we describe the feelings of guilt and shame as “negative” emotions show that these feelings are not ones that we want to feel. While definitely uncomfortable, guilt and shame are feelings that are part of the human experience and the more we try to resist them the more space they tend to take up in our lives. This post will explore the differences between guilt and shame and tips on how to manage them. 

The Difference Between Guilt and Shame

Guilt is a healthy emotional response to when you’ve wronged someone. It can be self-directed, meaning when you’ve let yourself down. For example, when you’re trying to be healthy but you over-indulged on dessert, you’ll probably feel guilty for not sticking to your goals. Another example of guilt is when you’ve disappointed someone you care about or unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings. Guilt tends to occur whenever we behave in a way that misaligns with our values. When we act in ways that don’t align with what’s important to us, guilt comes up as a signal to ourselves that something is wrong that needs correcting.

I like to think of shame as a more intense version of guilt. Whereas guilt tells us that we’ve done something wrong, shame tells us that our entire existence is wrong. To quote Brene Brown, the world’s most well-known researcher on shame, it refers to “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” (Side note: if you’re not familiar with Brene Brown, I highly recommend you check out her talks or books if you’re interested in understanding guilt and shame on a deeper level). 

Where Does Shame Come From?

Whereas both guilt and shame are a common part of the human experience, guilt tends to occur more frequently then shame. Shame tends to show up more for people who have had childhood trauma. Shame is often connected to deep seated feelings of inadequacy that usually develop from our early childhood experiences. Guilt on the other hand, is a perfectly healthy response to an action we’ve taken.

What Happens if Guilt and Shame Aren't Managed?

Because guilt and shame tend to be emotions that are uncomfortable, it’s tempting to just ignore them which can work in the short-term, but if you ignore them for long enough they can lead to other problems

Depression

One of the common causes of depression is what the mental health worlds calls “negative core beliefs” which is just another way of saying shame. When you don’t belief at your core that you are good it can lead to a lot of the other symptoms of depression like low motivation, hopelessness, and thoughts of suicide. Because shame is such an uncomfortable feeling a lot of people are unaware that their depression is rooted in feelings of shame.  

Development of Unhealthy Defense Mechanisms

When you don’t want to consciously deal with guilt and shame you can develop subconscious unhealthy ways of dealing these emotions. This is where defense mechanisms like gaslighting or defensiveness can show up. When guilt and shame are ignored, they unfortunately don’t just go away. If anything they become more intense. One of the ways that guilt and shame can manifest subconsciously is through defense mechanisms. On the extreme end, shame left unaddressed can lead to things like Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

Strained Relationships

If shame and guilt go unaddressed one of the most common ways that they can impact is your close relationships. Not allowing yourself to sit in the experience of guilt and shame can lead to all sorts of problems in your relationship. For example, lets say your partner comes to you and says that something you did or said hurt their feelings. If you have a hard time experiencing the discomfort of guilt, you might respond in an invalidating way, getting defensive or shifting the blame on to them. 

Strategies for working with Guilt and Shame

So now that we’ve gone over where these feelings come from and how they might be affecting your daily life, lets talk about some ways to handle guilt and shame

Give yourself permission to feel guilt and shame 

One of my favorite sayings is “what we resist persists,” because it sums up in a succinct way that we shouldn’t deny our feelings..because it doesn’t work. Even though it’s normal to resist wanting to feel guilt and shame, if we try to tell ourselves to not feel something it tends to backfire. It’s important to recognize and give yourself permission to feel whatever emotions come up because then you can actually work on them. The first step in healing is accepting that something needs to be addressed.

Recognize where the feelings come from

Having the insight into understanding where your guilt and shame come from is an important part in coping with these emotions. If you’ve experienced a traumatic event or had a difficult childhood, shame is probably something that results from those experiences. It’s important to connect to why you have certain emotions because it will allow you more room for validating your feelings rather than beating yourself up about them. 

Connect to the purpose of the feelings

Our feelings tend to be messengers for us. It’s hard to see that purpose when guilt and shame is present because of the distress it causes. However, when you recognize that they do have a purpose it can take the negative connotation out of the feelings and increase your ability to tolerate the distress associated with it. For example, when you’ve accidentally hurt someone you care about and you feel guilt as a result, you can remind yourself that the guilt is a direct result of the care you have for this person. The focus on the care versus the experience of guilt will help to move through the feeling quicker. 

Learning to navigate guilt and shame is an essential part of personal growth and emotional well-being. While these feelings can be challenging, they also offer an opportunity for self-reflection and positive change. Rather than allowing them to define you, use them as stepping stones toward healing, making amends when needed, and practicing self-compassion. Remember, you don’t have to carry the weight of guilt or shame alone—seeking professional support can provide guidance and relief, helping you move forward with greater confidence and peace of mind. Feel free to reach out for a consultation to see if therapy could be of benefit to you.