One of the most common presenting problems I see as a therapist who works both with couples and individuals wanting to work on their relationship issues is communication issues. It seems simple right? Learn strategies to better communicate and poof, your marriage will improve…I wish it were that simple but unfortunately improving communication in marriage is a little more complicated than that. When couples say they want to learn to better their communication in marriage, they are usually talking about a deeper rooted issue and the communication problems are just a manifestation of those issues. Things like chronic dismissal of each other’s feelings, defensiveness, and not prioritizing the needs of each other are usually more of the problem rather than the communication in marriage. In this post I’ll talk about five strategies to improve communication in marriage.

1) Listen to understand 

A lot of times people go into conversations with the intent of getting a message across to their partner. Especially if you’re bringing up a grievance with your spouse, it would make sense that your intent is to get your partner to understand you rather than understanding your partner. However, one of the easiest ways to breakdown communication in marriage is if the conversations are only focused on getting your partner to understand you. Even if you’re the one with hurt feelings it’s important to go into conversations with the intent of understanding your partner because there is likely a reason behind their behavior that doesn’t equal to them not caring about you or the stories we tell ourselves when we are hurt by our partner. 

2) Be prepared to challenge your defenses

Part of listening to understand your partner involves checking your own defensiveness. One of the ways communication in marriage tends to suffer is when you don’t take accountability for your part to play in the conflict. This is one of the most difficult but important parts of improving communication in marriage. Especially if you’re feelings have been hurt or you’ve been dismissed, it’s really hard to acknowledge that you may have contributed to your partners coldness towards you. For example, a common dynamic in marriage is when your husband has emotionally withdrawn from the relationship. Women tend to focus on the emotional withdrawal and how much it hurts them rather than recognizing that the withdrawal from their husband may be a result of something they are doing or not doing that leads to their husband checking out. 

3) Lead with love

Another crucial yet difficult component to improving communication in marriage is to lead the conversation with an open heart. Assume the best in your partner; that they also want to be happy in the relationship. I see so many women feeling like they are the only ones who care about the relationship and assuming that they’re husband just doesn’t care. This is rarely the case even if their behavior communicates otherwise. Before going into conversations try to remind yourself all the good things about your partner to cultivate a sense of love for them so you can go into the conversation with more softness. 

4) Consider the timing

Try to bring up hard conversations at the right time. If you’re bringing up a hard conversation after your husband has come home from a hard day at work or they’re stressed about something else, they are much less likely to want to engage in a conversation. Communication in marriage goes much smoother when you time it correctly. One of the common mistakes I see when people try to time conversations better is by asking “Is now a good time to talk?” This question seems like a good way to figure out if it’s a good time, after all it is a direct question. However, I often find that this puts pressure on the person to engage in the conversation anyways. A better strategy is to notice their nonverbal cues and base your decision on what the body language communicates.

5) Evaluate how much appreciation you’ve shown your partner 

Communication in marriage usually doesn’t go well when your partner has felt under appreciated. They are much more likely to receive your feedback as criticism rather than a something that could be improved in the marriage. When there has been an effort to consistently show appreciation to your partner, there “cup” is more likely to be filled with love and therefore will be more able to internalize your feedback. It’s even possible that just by increasing appreciation, the thing you needed to communicate will not be necessary because your partner will be more likely to want to do things that make you happy.

Strengthening communication in marriage isn’t about having the perfect words—it’s about creating a space where both partners feel seen, heard, and valued. By listening to understand rather than just to respond, challenging your own defenses, being mindful of timing, and consistently showing appreciation, couples can build a stronger, more empathetic connection. These strategies can be difficult to practice because they require honest self-reflection and a willingness to grow—but that inner work is often where real, lasting change begins. If you want to explore your specific blocks to having healthier communication your marriage, reach out here to see if we'd be a good fit.