I'm all for building self-awareness because I think that is the one of the biggest parts of healing is self understanding sometimes though in an effort to understand ourselves, we can over path apologize what we are going through. Especially in this age of TikTok psychology, it can be easy to self diagnose. In my experience, I often find when clients come in thinking they have relationship OCD. There's actually attachment issues and childhood trauma that is more than an OCD diagnosis.

What is relationship OCD?

Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ROCD) is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) that focuses specifically on romantic relationships. People with ROCD experience intrusive, unwanted thoughts or doubts about their relationship, such as worries about whether they truly love their partner, whether their partner is "the one," or if their partner is good enough for them. These obsessive thoughts can trigger compulsive behaviors, such as constantly seeking reassurance, excessively analyzing the relationship, or even avoiding situations that might "trigger" doubts.

The hallmark of ROCD is the irrationality of the obsessive thoughts. For instance, someone might feel compelled to analyze every detail of their interactions with their partner, searching for signs of incompatibility, even though there is no substantial evidence to suggest any real problem. These obsessions can cause significant distress, but they are often recognized by the individual as unreasonable or out of proportion to the situation.

Symptoms of ROCD can look like:

• Intrusive thoughts around whether or not your partner still loves you or finds you attractive
• Persistent request from your partner for reassurance of their feelings for you
• Frequent daydreaming about past positive interactions as a means for reassurance
• Excessive analyzing of your partners behavior to look for confirmation of their feelings for you

The Problem

Similar to some other mental health diagnoses, it's easy for many people to identify with some of the symptoms. however, I see a lot of people confusing this diagnosis with natural relationship, anxiety. While understanding yourself in the lens of a mental health diagnosis can reduce feelings of isolation, I think identifying with ROCD can sometimes have more detrimental effects than positive ones.

One of the reasons why it may be more damaging to diagnose ROCD is the way we understand symptoms in OCD. Intrusive thoughts are understood to be not something to analyze or pay attention to. In treatment for OCD clients are taught to disengage from the intrusive thought. Taking a non-engaging approach is great when it comes to managing thoughts that do not have any bases in reality such as intrusive thoughts of wanting to harm a loved one. We don't give any power to this intrusive thought because, it has no truth to it. However, with an intrusive thought in ROCD, we can't necessarily discount them as totally illogical or irrational, even in a healthy relationship. The reality is that people's feelings can change overtime and when we dismiss intrusive thoughts as just noise or chatter, it can become a form of unhealthy avoidance of our real problems and relationships.

It's important to take into account your attachment style when considering whether or not it is a ROCD or more of a general anxiety around your romantic relationship. For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, you're much more likely to want to seek reassurance from your partner. This type of anxiety is definitely something that does need to be worked through versus treating the need for reassurance as simply an intrusive thought that does not need to be given any power.. if we label our need for reassurance as an intrusive thought and we could be missing an opportunity to do some of our own healing work to improve the relationship.

It can be tricky to discern the difference between ROCD and generalized relationship anxiety. It's best to talk to a professional to figure out the proper diagnoses. However, diagnosis aside, I think it's important to refrain from over-identifying with any diagnosis. In my experience, I see diagnoses as more self-limiting than anything. It can take the agency away from people to be labeled with a diagnosis. I like to think of diagnosing as having a framework to understand yourself, not to define yourself. There can be renovations to the framework through time which is what the process of therapy can serve as.

If you're interested in learning more about ROCD and the way your attachment style can affect your relationship, reach out to schedule a consultation to see if we'd be a good fit.