If you’re in or have ever been in a romantic relationship you can probably relate to this scenario…you and your partner are having a good day and then all of a sudden you remember that one thing he said six months ago that reminded you of something he did earlier today and now you’re mad. He has no clue that you’re stewing over this thing from six months ago and it turns into an argument because he feels blindsided and defensive. If this situation sounds familiar than you may be dealing with self-sabotage. I see this show up in so many facets of people’s lives but it can be difficult to become aware of because it’s largely driven by the  subconscious.

So in the example I gave, picking a fight with your partner might lead to an argument where he gets upset and says hurtful things to you. These hurt feelings communicate to your subconscious self that you are undeserving of the love you’re looking for. Self-sabotage in relationships is one of the trickiest things to work on because it does tend to be deep in the subconscious and people tend to want to just stop doing it. I wish it were that easy, but it’s not a light switch you can just turn off. However, with some understanding of how self-sabotage in relationships shows up, the origins of it, and tools to work through it, you can stop it from damaging your relationship.

Understanding the Link Between Insecurity and Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage is a subconcious drive to undermine progress in a particular part of life. In the case of romantic relationships, self-sabotage means creating scenarios or behaving in a way that ruins a otherwise healthy, loving relationship. It tends to be driven by inner feelings of unworthiness and shame. When we have deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy, our subconscious wants to look for ways to confirm our faulty beliefs about ourselves. One of the ways we do this is through creating scenarios that lead to confirming negative self-narratives. 

Some common self-sabotaging behaviors I see are:

Clinginess or Overdependence:

Everyone has needs for reassurance from their partner, but when it becomes excessive and your partner starts to feel overwhelmed by your needs it may be a sign that the reassurance seeking comes from a place of self-sabotage rather than a healthy form of interdependence. 

Avoidance or Emotional Withdrawal:

On the other hand, self-sabotage can look like shutting your partner out. More of an avoidant strategy, you might feel withdrawn from your partner because your subconscious might feel safer to isolate than to lean on your partner for emotional intimacy and support. 

Creating Drama or Starting Arguments:

Picking fights over small issues is another form of self-sabotage. This is a tough one to see from a lens of self-sabotage because people often feel very “right” when it comes to triggers for certain arguments. The feelings that come up may feel intense so acknowledging that they may be because of self-sabotage can feel invalidating. 

How Self-Sabotage Can Impact your Relationship

Self-sabotage can have a significant detrimental impact on your relationship if left unchecked. A big determining factor in how much of an impact it has is whether you are conscious or nor of the behavior. Unconscious self-sabotaging  can lead to frequent fighting and defensiveness because you are not taking ownership of how your own stuff is getting in the way of interpreting your partner’s behavior. When your partner feels constantly attacked and criticized they tend to emotionally withdraw. The emotional withdrawal then can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy because your subconscious self will see the withdrawal as a confirmation that you are indeed unlovable. 

Tips for Dealing with Insecurity and Breaking the Cycle of Self-Sabotage

Cultivate Self-Awareness:

The most important part of diminishing the impact that self-sabotage can have on your relationship is to bring your behavior into conscious awareness. If we aren’t aware that our behavior is self-sabotaging then we won’t be able to start working on it. One way to do this is to start ranking your emotional response. The general rule is that the more intense an emotion is the more likely it is that the response is a trigger for some wound you may have not addressed yet. 

Open Communication with Your Partner:

Even if you’re triggered by a partner’s actions or lack thereof, communication with your partner is still important. If you don’t communicate with your partner then they may get the wrong impression and personalize your reaction. When you do communicate though, make sure you emphasize that your feelings are related to something happening internally and assure them you are working through it. 

Seek Reassurance (But Don’t Overdo It):

One of the beautiful things about being in a romantic relationship is that you can seek the reassurance and it can be part of your healing journey. The key is to balance reassurance with self-soothing. Even if you’re triggered and you realize it’s self-sabotage, you can still turn to your partner for support. Just be careful to be cognizant of the language you use to communicate the support you need from them.

Consider Therapy or Counseling:

Because self-sabotage tends to be a subconscious process, therapy can be beneficial with helping you to identify it as such. When you vent to friends about problems in your relationship they will tend to take your side and because their is a lot of self-righteousness when it comes to hurt feelings in the context of romantic relationships, it can be easy to not see how your feelings may be a result of self-sabotage not that your partner is a jerk. 

Practice Self-Compassion:

Probably one of the most important parts of working through self-sabotage is to have self-compassion. It can be easy to get frustrated with yourself when you repeat negative patterns in your relationship but when you do, it’s only making the problems worse. Try being gentle with yourself and give yourself credit for just the intention to work on yourself.

In summary, self-sabotage can be one of the most difficult relationship dynamics to overcome because it is so deep seated. However, with an understanding of where it comes from and a cultivation of self-compassion it can be a means for deep and meaningful change within yourself and your relationship. I encourage the next time you feel triggered in you're relationship to ask yourself with compassion what you’re feeling and where it might be coming from. These questions will likely open up a space for the curiosity needed to make significant changes. 

If you’re wanting to work on your self-sabotage feel free to reach out to see if we’d be a good fit.